


Crumpling Down The Walls

by OnlyHim



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 14:56:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13169304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyHim/pseuds/OnlyHim
Summary: Set immediately after 7x16. Lynn sees what everybody else saw during their "staycation" and she pushes Steve to do something about his feelings for Danny. Meanwhile, Danny is kidnapped and Steve will do what it takes to save him, while Danny is forced to face all of his worst fears.





	Crumpling Down The Walls

**Author's Note:**

> I had this story saved waiting to be edited and posted and I completely forgot about it. Lots of changes are happening in my life and I think it's very possible that I won't be writing fanfic anymore so I decided to post this. It's not yet at the point I originally intended, but I know I won't do anything about it and not posting at all would be a waste because I think it's actually pretty good even the way it is now. So here it is. I hope you like it. =)
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who's ever supported my writing over the years. It's been a blast and all of this will surely be missed. Love to you all! <3

“We need to talk.”

Steve and Lynn had just gotten back from the hotel after their 'staycation', with plans of having dinner before she went back to her house. The words coming out of Lynn's mouth had a finality to them that immediately brought Steve to attention.

“That sounds ominous.”

“I don't think this is a bad thing, Steve. Just sit.”

Steve followed Lynn to the couch, not sure what to expect.

“So, we've been doing this for over a year now, and I think everything's been going fine.”

“Yeah, I agree.” Steve felt wary, he didn't really like where this conversation was going.

“And I think the reason it's all been fine is because it's all pretty light, you know? I don't expect much of you, you don't expect much of me, and that's how it works.”

“Lynn, wh-”

Lynn stopped him with a hand on his forearm. “I don't love you, Steve and I know you don't love me. And it doesn't matter, because that's not the point of our relationship. I think we've both just been binding our time until something better comes along. I like you. You're a good guy, and we have fun together. I'm not interested in anything serious right now, so I never saw why not enjoy what we have without too much fuss.”

Steve was at a loss for words. It wasn't like anything that Lynn was saying wasn't true, it's just that neither of them had ever said any of this out loud, so Steve wasn't really prepared for that now. Lynn didn't seem to care, though, because she just kept going.

“Thing is, I always thought that your reason for not wanting anything serious was because you had feelings for someone else. At first I thought it was just some unresolved feelings about Catherine, and when she came back and left again, I could see that you'd gotten some closure, so I thought that was it. I'd even started to think what I'd do if you decided you wanted to make our relationship more serious, if I'd want it or not. But this conversation never came. Then this weekend happened.”

“What does this weekend have to do with anything?” Steve found himself asking and was surprised to see that he never even bothered to deny anything that Lynn had said so far.

“Well, during the entire weekend I could see, clear as day, that it had never been about Catherine. Not really.”

“I don't follow.”

“It's Danny. It's always been Danny.”

“What? Lynn,-”

“Steve, please, don't do this. The only reasons for you to deny this would be if either you're still in denial about your feelings or you think I'm an idiot. And at dinner last night you didn't give me the impression that it's the former.”

Steve didn't say anything for a while and Lynn just waited. She was right. He could try to pretend he didn't know what she was talking about, but he knew. It was true, he had had the feelings for a long time, if not from the very beginning, and lately it had become harder and harder to deny to himself that they were there. Maybe it'd been his brush with death, the huge sacrifice Danny had made for him – and it wasn't the first time, if he really thought about it –  or the fact that Catherine was gone which had shifted his focus, but he couldn't not see all that Danny was to him anymore. 

“Okay, you're right, I'm sorry. I don't think you're an idiot, I'm just so used to denying it that this is my automatic response. But you're right, about everything.”

“Okay, good. Now the question is, where do you want to go from here?”

“I... I don't...” Steve stuttered because he just didn't know what to say. That had never been an issue before. There was never any 'going' anywhere. He felt what he felt and that was that.

“What, you mean to tell me that you're planning on leaving everything the way it is now?”

“I don't know, I never-”

“Okay, I'm going to help you out. For starters, we're breaking up. I mean, I was fine with everything before because I thought your feelings for whoever they were didn't mean anything, but now that I know that you're actually head over heels in love with Danny I can't be with you anymore. I'd almost feel like I was cheating on him if I did.”

“Lynn, it's not like that...”

“I know, that's not what I meant. I'm just saying that what you feel for him is obviously too important, and there shouldn't be anyone standing in the way of that. Which brings me to my second point. What are you going to do about him?”

“What do you mean? And why are we even having this conversation? How does this not bother you?”

“Steve, I like you enough to care about your happiness. But I was never attached enough to be hurt by any of this. So, I want to help you.”

“Help me? How can you do that?”

“Well, I don't know Danny all that well, but, I mean, I sort of do because you just won't shut up about the man, which, now that I think about it, should've been my first clue. I guess I just never imagined that you could be into guys, too, so I never even considered it... Anyway, I digress. What I was trying to say is that even though I don't really know him, I saw you two together this weekend. I saw you two last night, and while you were practically drooling all over him and making sure you were defending your territory – don't argue with me, Steve, that was clearly what you were doing – while you were doing all that, Danny looked terrified. All his defenses were up, and I don't think it was because you were making a move on him and that made him uncomfortable because they weren't welcome. I think it's the opposite. I think you approaching him like that makes him scared because he feels the same way. And I don't know what's happened to him to make him feel like he has to protect himself so much from it, but I'm pretty sure that's what I saw. So, I ask again, what do you want to do about it?”

“Uh, didn't you pretty much just tell me that it freaks him out when I make a move? So what is there to be done?”

“You tell me. You know him better than anyone. You know why he's scared. So if anyone can figure out how to break his defenses, it's you.”

“Well, I don't know. Danny is complicated. So much shit has happened to him, it's understandable that he'd want to keep his defenses up. Who am I to do anything that could change that?”

“The person who loves him the most and would do anything to keep him safe? That's who you are and that's what you do. You prove to him that you can keep him safe.”

“How do you even know all this?”

“I read people for a living, Steve. Even if I didn't know you at all, I can see it in your eyes right now. I can see how you feel about him, how much you want to protect him. Now all you have to do is make him see that.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?”

“I guess it's up to you to figure that one out.”

 

*

 

The past three days had been hell. Steve didn't have a single spare second to think about his conversation with Lynn, and now it all seemed so surreal, because Danny had been taken and Steve didn't even know what everything he felt meant because he was so terrified. He could barely think while Danny was in danger, but he made every effort he could, because Danny depended on him. Steve had to lead the team and just find Danny.

Which they did, not long after they got a lock on the man who had been kidnapping people and hypnotizing them, forcing them to kill each other. Steve could only imagine what he could have had Danny doing. They found them in a basement and the guy had been killed while trying to shoot Chin. Danny was there, sitting still on a couch. Steve checked him all over and couldn't find anywhere he could be hurt. His pulse was steady and he looked okay. Except he was completely unresponsive. Nothing they did worked. Danny just stayed there, as if in some sort of trance. They called EMT, who checked him over and confirmed what Steve already knew. Physically, there was nothing wrong with Danny. The paramedics couldn't tell why Danny wasn't waking up.

Taking Danny to the hospital was equally useless. They tested him for every toxin they could think of, but there was nothing. There was no explanation. But Steve knew by now. Danny had been hypnotized, too, and he had no idea how to get him out of it. He found an expert on hypnoses and after trying to talk to Danny for what felt like hours, the doctor came to the conclusion that he didn't know how to help. Apparently, the kidnapper had inserted a sort of key word into the process, and only that would wake Danny up. Steve had no idea what that key word could possibly be, and he had no way of finding out now that the guy was dead.

Steve didn't think he'd ever felt that desperate in his entire life. Maybe when he heard his father getting shot, but then the desperation had quickly been replaced by horrible pain because his father was dead and there was nothing else Steve could do. Now he felt like Danny was slipping through his fingers and he felt helpless. He felt like Danny was counting on him and he was failing. The desperation just stretched and stretched and Steve felt like his gut was being ripped apart piece by piece.

He sent the team back to the kidnapper's house and office. He told them to tear the place apart in hopes that they could find anything that might give them a hint of what that key word could be. Steve should have gone with them, but the thought of leaving Danny alone just made him feel even more torn up. The team understood and told him to stay. They said they'd call Jerry and Eric to help so that Steve's presence wouldn't be so necessary.

 

Steve sat with Danny. He was lying in a hospital bed, the back lifted a little so Danny was partially sitting. Steve didn't know what to do. For some reason, his conversation with Lynn kept coming back to him now, and it just overwhelmed him even more. What was he supposed to do with all those feelings? What was he supposed to do if he never got Danny back? Before he knew it, he was talking, not even caring how ridiculous it would look to anyone that might be looking.

“Hey, Danno. So, I never got a chance to tell you, but Lynn and I broke up. Well, actually, she broke up with me. She had some very good reasons for that and they had to do with you. She knows I'm in love with you and she thinks I should do something about it. I have to say, I'm scared. I'm scared because I think you don't want to know this, and I'm only telling you now because I know you can't hear me. At least I hope you can't hear me, otherwise it's gonna be really awkward when you wake up. Yes,  _when_ you wake up, because we're gonna do it, Danny. We're gonna find a way to get you out of this.”

“I should be there with them. Should be helping them find what we need to wake you up. But I couldn't. I just couldn't bear the thought of you being alone here. I don't ever want to leave you alone, Danny. And you should know that. You should know that I'll always do whatever I can to be by your side, backing you up, keeping you safe. Nothing is more important to me. Knowing that you're okay is the only thing that ever matters to me.”

The conversation with Lynn came back to him again, and he remembered her telling him that he should find a way to let Danny know that Steve loved him and wanted him safe. That he would always protect him. Steve thought that this was as good a time as any to say all that, if for nothing else but for practice for when Danny woke up and could actually participate in the conversation.

“I love you, Danny. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. I'd give my life without a second thought if it meant that I'd be protecting you. And I know, this doesn't mean all that much for someone who took an oath to protect his country and die for it if necessary. But it's not the same thing. It's not offering my life for a greater cause, for a greater purpose. It's doing whatever it takes to guarantee that you're okay, and happy. Because you matter so much to me, Danny. You're everything to me. Actually, forget what I just said. I don't want to die for you. I want to always do whatever it takes to keep us both alive. Because if I die it means that the next time something happens I won't be there for you anymore. And I can't have that. I just can't accept the thought that I'll ever not have your back. You always get on my back so hard because I'm always putting myself at risk, but that's how I work. That's what I've been trained for. And I know it's hard for you to see it, but in my head – and I'm not saying it's not messed up, I know it is – but in my head that's how I make the mission successful. And having a mission complete means that whatever was threatening us, was threatening  _you,_ is not there anymore. Because, Danny, if it were up to me, I'd dedicate my whole life to taking care of you. I can't keep you from feeling pain, I can't stop bad stuff from happening, but I can be with you to help you get through all that. I've tried to do that for you since we met and if I've ever failed on that I am sorry, and I'll do everything in my power to never fail you again. And I want you to hold me to that promise. I give you every right to call me out if I'm ever being selfish and not putting you first. Because I don't care about me, Danny. You're my only reason for living. You've kept me going from the very first day, and you came to me even when I made it really hard for you to do that. You've kept me alive, you gave my life meaning. I can't lose you, Danny. There's no 'me' if you're not there.”

 

*

 

All Danny felt was pain. He knew he wasn't hurt, not physically, but it was if his guts had been put into a blender and then placed inside him again. He felt raw, exposed and the darkness around him was so oppressive he couldn't breathe. He didn't know why it was so dark. He didn't know where he was, what was happening. He didn't remember how he got here. He didn't know if he was sitting or lying down. He just knew it hurt and he couldn't think straight.

He heard a gunshot. He couldn't tell where it came from until he looked to his left and saw Grace Tilwell's body slumped on the chair, the blood spreading under her shirt. He'd fucked it up. He kept provoking the man and now the drug dealer had killed her. Why had Danny done that? If he'd been alone, but no, he should've known he was putting Grace at risk. And she was dead. His partner. The one who'd been there for him when his marriage was failing and who helped him keep things in check when his feelings started getting mixed up in his head. She helped him through it all. Now he'd gotten her killed. She'd been there for him and he had failed in being there for her.

He heard another gunshot. He looked around and only saw darkness until he felt the weight of the gun in his hand. He tried to focus and he saw Marcus Reyes' lifeless eyes staring at him. All he could think about was Matt. He had failed Matt. He had let him leave and now he'd gotten killed. It was Danny's fault, it was all his fault. Maybe if he had said something different Matt would've stayed. Maybe he should've gone looking for him after he left, then he wouldn't have gotten into this big of a mess. He knew there was something he could've done, should've done to have things end differently. He looked to the side and saw the barrel. He could hear Matt's painful moans coming from inside it. And he could hear the screams from when he was having his body torn apart, cut into pieces. And he could hear what Matt was thinking. That his perfect big brother hadn't cared enough to come for him. To save him.

He looked down again to where Reyes' body had been and he saw Grace. She was sitting at the desk, looking at her phone, laughing at something she was seeing there. She glanced towards him and with a look of tedious frustration went back to the phone.

“Gracie?” Danny tried calling.

“What do you want?” Grace didn't lift her eyes from the phone and she sounded bored and annoyed at him.

“Gracie? Look at me, talk to me.”

“Don't you see I'm busy? I don't have time for you.”

“But it's our weekend together, baby.” Danny didn't know why he'd said that. He didn't know what day it was.

“So? That doesn't mean I have to like being here.”

“But, Gracie, you love spending time with me.”

“No, I don't. It's boring and you keep treating me like I'm a baby. I want to go out with my friends.”

“Can't you go out with your friends later?”

“What difference does it make? It's not like I'm gonna bother talking to you.” Her voice was full of derision.

“But we always do stuff together...”

“Why don't you go do something with Charlie? He still thinks you're cool. It won't last, you know.”

That's when Danny noticed that Charlie was sitting beside Grace. Had he been there all the time?

“You want to go out with me, Charlie?”

“You're not my father.”

“What?”

“I don't know you. You weren't there before, I don't like you. I want to go be with my dad.”

“But Charlie, I'm your dad.”

“No, you're not. Stan is. He's the only one who took care of me. You never bothered being there.”

“But, Charlie, I didn't know, I-”

“You should've known. You should've known she was lying to you. You should have stayed with me. But you didn't care.”

“No, Charlie, that's not true, I love you, I wanted to be there.”

“No, you didn't.” Grace joined in the conversation again. “You chose to stay with uncle Steve. And why?”

“What do you mean, why? He was in jail, he needed me. I was going to go after you guys after I helped him, but your mom...”

“Don't blame my mother. She was right to stay away from you. You're nothing but trouble, you're just always putting us in danger. I wish she'd won us from the start, I wish I never had to spend any of my childhood with you. And I wish Charlie didn't have to, either.”

“No, Gracie, please...”

“Why do you care anyway? Just go be with Steve, since you love him so much. Oh, wait, you can't. Because he doesn't love you back.”

“That's not true, he does...”

“Yeah, sure he does. That's why he's always risking everything. The adrenaline rush is worth more to him than your concern. He'd rather get killed than listen to you. That's how important you are to him.”

“She's right, Danny.”

Danny was startled by the sudden sound so close to him. He turned to see Steve looking at him as if he were a random stranger on the street who was asking for directions.

“Steve?”

“She's right. I really don't care. I mean, I guess I kinda love you or whatever, but it doesn't mean anything. We're never gonna be more than friends. Why would I ever want that? We're not even that good friends anyway. Why would I keep arguing with you and putting myself at risk all the time if I cared about you?”

“But... Of course I matter to you. I'm your partner. You chose me.”

Steve scoffed. “Oh, that? I just needed your help, buddy. Then I sort of took pity on you and your pathetic life. I mean, seriously? That piece of crap place you lived? I felt sorry for you.”

“But I have a house now, I'm better.”

“Yeah, well... I guess I didn't think it was worth throwing you away. I have you all house trained and all. Not even my buddies in the SEALs would put themselves at risk as much as you do for me. You're like a very small, very noisy body guard. I can always put you first if I know something's gonna happen. It's not like I'd miss you.”

Danny was at a loss for words. Everything hurt so much. He felt like he had been kicked and punched, repeatedly, by all the people he loved the most. He was confused, he didn't know what was happening, but it felt like he was living all his worst nightmares, all at once. As if everything that troubled him, that he feared the most in the world was happening to him and he had no control over any of it.

That's when he heard it. A sound, he couldn't tell where it was coming from, but it was soothing. He couldn't identify it, but it was maybe someone's voice? It was hard to say... Steve. It sounded like Steve. But not the mean one that was now in front of him looking at him with utter disdain, but his Steve. And yes, he was saying something. Danny couldn't make out the words, couldn't understand their meaning, but he could feel them. And he just felt so much love. Something like he'd never felt before. It was as if he'd just come inside a warm house after staying too long in the cold. He could feel that love slowly seeping into him, warming him up.

He couldn't feel his body but somehow he knew he was being touched. And god, what that felt like. He didn't remember ever feeling so much tenderness, so much care. Maybe when he was little and his mother was comforting him when he had the flu, but even then... He'd never felt someone tending to him as if he was the only thing that mattered, as if he was the whole focus of the other person.

And the feeling just stayed there. Just a constant flow of gentle fondness, never wavering, never faltering. He just let himself feel that for a long time, let that feeling fill him up and slowly everything started getting better. He looked around and it wasn't so dark anymore. He could still see all the images: Reyes, Grace Tilwell, his Grace, Charlie, Steve... but they were slowly fading. The more he focused on the feeling that was completely taking over him, the more the images dispersed, as fog lifting in the morning under the rising sun. And then it was light. Completely light and there was a soft glow all around him, making him feel safe, protected.

He started to actually feel the touch now. A hand wrapped around his, another running through his hair. Now he could feel Steve's scent, hear his voice.

“... there's no me if you're not there.”

Danny's eyes fluttered open and at first everything was blurry. He squeezed his hand and he heard Steve gasp and he could feel Steve turning to see him even if Steve was still just a blur.

“Danny?”

Steve's voice was strained and watery. Danny could almost feel his surprise and relief.

“Hey.” Danny blinked several times trying to clear his eyes and focus on Steve.

“Oh, god, you're back. I can't believe you're back.” The hand that had been running through Danny's hair tightened its grip slightly, massaging his scalp and keeping him still. Steve was rubbing the thumb of his other hand on Danny's wrist. Danny looked down and Steve immediately pulled both his hands back. Danny missed the touch, if felt like it was the only thing that was keeping him grounded.

“What happened?” Danny tried to ask, feeling his throat dry.

Steve moved to get him a glass of water, then his phone started ringing. Steve handed him the water while answering the phone. Danny didn't understand much of the conversation, but it seemed like it was Chin on the other end, and it sounded like he was explaining something to Steve.

“Well, that's really good to know, but thankfully it's not necessary anymore. He just woke up.” Steve stayed quiet for a while listening. “I'm not sure. Maybe it's best to wait a while. I don't think he even remembers what happened. I should talk to him first and then see if he can be released from the hospital. Yeah. Okay. Talk to you soon.”

“So?”

“That was Chin. He found some information on the guy who kidnapped you.”

“I was kidnapped?”

“So you really don't remember anything?”

“No, not really. I think the last thing I remember was getting home, coming back from HQ where we'd been discussing the case about the guy who hypnotized peo- Was that who kidnapped me?”

“Yeah. He got you sometime during the night, you were probably at home, we don't know how. Apparently he hypnotized you and we didn't know how to bring you back. He was killed when we raided his house, where we found you, and a doctor told us that we needed a key word or something to wake you up. I sent the whole team to search his office and house to see if they could find something.”

“And that's what Chin was calling to tell you?”

“Yeah. He said they couldn't find any words, but they found his journal. He kept the logs of all the people he hypnotized, what they saw and what he made them do. He said in the journal that when he put people in a trance he sent them to something like a nightmare world, where people would be faced with their worst fears-”

“Yeah, I'll say.”

“That's where you were?”

“Yeah. That's exactly what it felt like. Like a nightmare, and I just kept having vision after vision of all the worst things that have happened to me, or that I fear might happen.”

“Wanna tell me about it?”

“Not really. At least not right now. What else did Chin say?”

“He said that the guy did that so he'd put all the victims in a defensive state and once they were all on edge he'd convince them that they were being attacked. That's how he got them to kill each other.”

“Oh, god, did I-”

“No! No, we found you before he could do anything like that to you.”

“Okay. So the guy never actually intended to bring anyone out of the trance?”

“No, he did. We think he wasn't able to get the victims to the point he needed them on the first try, so he'd kidnapped all of them before, we just didn't know about it. He marked the days when he kidnapped people. All of them had four dates before the date of the actual murders.”

“So he kidnapped all of them five times?”

“Yeah. He took them and brought them back before anyone noticed, and the victims had no recollection of where they'd been.”

“And it was the first time he'd kidnapped me?”

“No... It was the fourth.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I'm sorry, Danny.”

“Wow. Okay. So, what did Chin find that could have helped me?”

“It said on the journal that he had to be careful, that if anything happened to the victims that assuaged the fears for any reason it would nullify all he'd done. He'd go back to square one. So the team came to the conclusion that if we could get you to stop being afraid you'd come back.”

“Oh. Huh.” So that's what had happened. Steve had made him feel safe and that had annulled the trance. Danny didn't know how he felt about it.  Steve seemed to have realized the same thing, because he suddenly looked very uncomfortable and self-conscious.

“I, uh... I think I'm gonna go find the doctor, let him know you're awake.”

“Okay.” Danny didn't want Steve to go, but he didn't know how to ask him to stay either. And Steve looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

 

*

 

Steve closed the door to the room behind him and leaned on it. He was freaking out and he didn't even know why. That's what he wanted, wasn't it? He did exactly what Lynn told him to do, he made Danny feel safe and protected, enough that it broke the trance. Except he wasn't sure that's what had happened, and even more important, he had no idea how Danny felt about it. By all indications Danny didn't remember anything, so he probably didn't remember anything that Steve had said, but something must have affected him, right? And now what? Should they talk about it? What if now that Danny was awake all of this just freaked him out even more? One thing was Steve helping Danny while he was unconscious, but with Danny awake, all his irrational and fatalist thoughts back in place, he'd most likely just hide behind all his walls again. Possibly even more so now that he'd been forced to face all his fears so up close. But Steve didn't know any of that for sure, did he? He didn't really know what it had all been like for Danny while he was under the trance. He didn't know exactly how he'd helped Danny come back. So, even if it scared the living shit out of him, he came to the conclusion that the only way to go about it was to talk to Danny. Or at least try to.

 

*

 

The doctor examined Danny thoroughly, and came to the conclusion that nothing was wrong with him. He didn't think that the fact that Danny didn't remember anything was worrisome, that was expected when someone was hypnotized. Danny was fine now, he had no trouble talking or answering any of the doctor's questions and so it was decided that he could be discharged.

Steve dropped Danny off at home and went back to his own house. Danny felt bereft as soon as Steve left, but there was nothing he could do about it. It's not like he could make Steve stick around if he didn't want to; based on what he'd been told, the team had spent the entire night looking for him, and then most of the day looking for clues to try to wake Danny up. And Steve had stayed by his side the whole time. He was probably exhausted, and tired of being Danny's babysitter. He deserved his rest, and Danny was going to let him have it.

Danny moved around the house aimlessly, feeling lost and still confused. He didn't know what to make of the whole experience, what to make of what he'd felt coming from Steve. Steve didn't seem very willing to talk about it if his reaction when it became obvious that he was the one who'd saved Danny was anything to go by. When Steve dropped him off he said that Danny should rest, and even though Danny thought this was just his excuse not to give Danny an opening to invite him to stay, he might have been right. Maybe Danny should just go to sleep and hopefully when he woke up things would be making a little bit more sense.

And he tried. He really tried, but he just couldn't. He tossed and turned for hours but the horrible images he'd seen just kept coming back to him every time he closed his eyes. Then he'd think of Steve, and it made him feel a little better, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't the same as having the man in the flesh beside him, comforting him. He briefly wondered why the thought of Melissa comforting him never even crossed his mind. Not that it would matter if it had, she'd broken up with him right after their staycation – she said she had her reasons but didn't want to elaborate; for some reason, Danny didn't feel the need to ask her to, or fight for the relationship. Maybe it was just time, he knew Melissa deserved better than what he was giving her, and that he was being selfish by keeping her around just because it was safe. So in the end they just said their goodbyes and he wished her luck and said he hoped she'd find someone good for her.

After tossing and turning a little bit more, he finally gave up, got up and not bothering changing out of his sleep clothes grabbed his keys and headed to Steve's, ignoring the late hour.

 

Danny drove up Steve's driveway and was relieved to see the living room lights on. At least he wasn't going to wake the man up. He let himself in without thinking about it, only realizing when he was half-way in that Steve might not be alone. He apprehensively looked to the left where he could hear the TV on and found Steve, by himself, staring at the TV but looking like he wasn't paying attention.

“Danny?” Steve turned his head and looked at Danny, confused. “What are you doing here? I thought you'd be resting, you must be exhausted.”

“I could say the same about you.” Danny closed the door and moved to sit beside Steve.

“I couldn't sleep.”

“Me, neither.”

“But why did you come here?”

“I don't know, to be honest.” It was a lie. He knew perfectly well why he was there, he just didn't know how to tell Steve.  _If_ he should tell Steve.

“Okay. Wanna watch something?”

“Sure. What've you got?” Danny didn't feel like watching anything, but he didn't know what else to do either. Maybe just being beside Steve would help.

“There must be something good somewhere.” Steve started clicking through the channels. “There's always infomercials if we can't find anything else. Maybe that will help you sleep.”

Steve threw a playful smile in Danny's direction, but it didn't reach his eyes. Now that he'd stopped to pay attention, Danny noticed that Steve looked tense and uncomfortable. Maybe he shouldn't have come. Steve eventually settled on an old action movie that Danny had watched a thousand times, and Steve probably had, too. Danny didn't care, he was too anxious now to think about movies, trying to decide if he should stay or go. He really didn't want to leave, but he didn't want to make Steve uncomfortable either. He also couldn't think of a good reason to leave now that he'd settled down.

He sat there for a long time trying to make up his mind and was startled when Steve broke the silence.

“How are you, Danny?”

“Huh?” Danny turned his head to find Steve studying him with a concerned look.

“After all this, how are you doing? We didn't get a chance to talk at the hospital and I was just wondering... You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, I just... I don't know, just wanted you to know that you can talk to me if you want.”

Danny stared back at Steve for a long time, not knowing what to say. Did he want to talk about it? What was he even supposed to say?

“I don't... I don't know, I...”

“It's okay, you don't have to say anything. It was a stupid question, you probably don't want to keep reliving everything.”

No, he didn't. He wished he could forget the whole thing had ever happened. But he was, wasn't he? Seeing it all in front of him over and over every time things got quiet around him. Maybe telling Steve would help. After all, he'd been the one that had made it all go away before.

“No, I think I should. I should talk about it. I just don't know how.”

“Maybe just give me the abridged version? And go from there if you want?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Danny took some time to think about the whole thing, to find a way to tell everything to Steve without having to relive every detail. Steve waited quietly while Danny organized his thoughts and he was immensely grateful for that. He realized he had moved closer to Steve while he'd been lost in thoughts and he probably shouldn't have, but now he didn't want to move back. He didn't think he could get through this without feeling Steve's warmth.

“I saw everyone. Grace... my partner, I mean. Matty. Gracie. Charlie.” He paused before continuing, because for some reason that one hurt the most. “You.” Danny looked up at Steve expecting him to say something, but he was just there, waiting for him to continue. Patient, accepting. Loving. That made Danny relax and somehow it felt easier to go on. “I felt all the most terrible things about all of them... All of you. All the things I know I think but never put into words, never allow myself to let come to the surface because it just hurts too much. How I feel like it's my fault that Grace and Matt got killed.”

Steve moved as if he was going to say something but he caught himself and went back to patiently waiting for Danny to finish.

“I saw Gracie doing what I fear the most: not caring about me anymore, preferring to do anything else but be with me. But it wasn't just in a normal teenage way, you know. She was really mean about it, as if she'd rather have anyone but me as her father. And Charlie. Charlie said I wasn't his real dad, and he blamed me for not being there.” Danny felt his voice catch in his throat and he could feel his eyes filling with tears. “Then Grace said she wished she never had to spend any time with me, not even when she was little. And then you showed up-” A small sob escaped Danny's throat and he had to stop talking and breathe. Steve was still quiet beside him. “You- You said you didn't care about me. You said you felt sorry for me. You said you wouldn't care if I died, that you wouldn't miss me.”

Next thing Danny felt was Steve's arms wrapped around him, holding him so tight he could barely breathe. But he didn't care, because that hug made him start feeling like he did when he was under, like he was slowly being filled with Steve's warmth.

“Oh, god, Danny.” Steve had his face pressed against Danny's neck and his voice was muffled. “You must know that's not true. None of it. Not about Grace, or Matt. And god, not Gracie and Charlie. They love you, Danny, they love you so much.”

Danny was holding Steve back, and he had his hands clutching Steve's shirt so hard he was afraid he might rip the fabric. But he didn't dare loosen his hold, he was scared that if he did Steve would pull away and Danny couldn't stand that. He didn't want to let Steve go, he never, ever, wanted to let Steve go. He was crying now, and it was part pain but also part relief, because Steve was there.

Steve was there. He was there now, and he had always been. Having his back. Looking after him. Doing whatever he could and then some to make things right for Danny. Helping him keep Grace. Covering for him when he was trying to help Matt. Staying with him when he was about to be blown up because he refused to let Danny go through that alone. Going with Danny every step of the way when Danny was trying to save Matt, and staying there when it had all gone to shit and Danny lost it and shot Reyes. And Steve just stood there, with his silent, non-judgmental support because he got it. And those were the big things. How many other countless times had Steve been there for him in small ways, helping him out, offering a friendly ear, a friendly hand.

And god, Danny loved him. How did he love him. He loved him so fucking much it terrified him, because he felt like if he didn't keep his hold on it it would overwhelm him and he'd drown in his feelings. And he'd been trying to do just that. Protect himself from how strong his feelings for Steve were. But he'd been wrong. Yes, those feelings could take complete control over him. But for one thing, they already had. When it came to Steve Danny had zero control. He'd always do anything for him, no matter the consequences. He had, numerous times. And also, that wasn't the kind of drowning that made you choke and gasp for air. It was the kind that just helped you breathe because having that meant you didn't have to shoulder everything on your own. It meant sharing the load, the pain, the struggle. Steve had been giving him that for almost seven years and Danny had been too blind to see that there was no reason to question it. He could trust Steve to always be there for him, to never betray him. Because he had never and he wouldn't. And now he was wondering how he'd never seen all this before and he had no idea why he'd been so afraid. All he could think now is that he was incredibly lucky to have Steve in his life.

He felt Steve trying to pull back and he was okay with that now, because he knew Steve wasn't going far. He never would. So he relaxed his hold on Steve and let him move away, but he really didn't go far. He just pulled away enough to be able to look Danny in the eyes and he moved his hands to frame Danny's face, his fingers running through the hair on the back of his head and his thumbs stroking the side of Danny's face. Steve kept his gaze on Danny's eyes for a long time, so much fierce love there that Danny could feel his insides heating up.

“Danny, I don't even know where to start, I-”

Danny brought his own hands up and wrapped them around Steve's neck. “Babe, I know. You don't have to say anything, I know. I can feel you. I could feel you then, I can feel you now. I know.”

Steve opened his mouth as if to say something but nothing came out. Danny huffed out a soft laugh.

“Would it be too forward of me if I asked for a kiss?”

“It's been seven years, Danny. I think we've courted each other enough.” Steve's smile was undoubtedly one of the most beautiful things Danny had ever seen. But then he wasn't seeing anything anymore because he'd closed his eyes and all he could think about was how perfect Steve's lips felt on his and how he thought he'd never feel cold ever again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My [tumblr](http://whenamarshmallowmeetsahothead.tumblr.com/) is exclusively McDanno. You can also come visit me and talk to me on my [personal blog.](https://itsokayifthatpersonisyou.tumblr.com/)


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